Diary
(5) Where were you born, “mother”?!! Ahmed Seif Hashed
My memoirs.. from the details of my life
(5)
Where were you born, “mother”?!!
Ahmed Seif Hashed
I used to wonder about paradoxes spontaneously, and sometimes out of curiosity of knowledge, about a world that is still completely unknown to me, or immersed in extreme ambiguity, and difficult to understand its alphabets and axioms, for a young child like me, who is still trying to touch the threshold of first knowledge, and knock on closed doors with as many questions as possible Looking for answers, despite the impediments of shame and the taboo that address the existential worrying questions, and in areas that are still prohibited, mined or not allowed.
Questions to which the answer has become, a catalyst for more frequent or proliferating questions, which reveal more intractable knowledge for like me, and sometimes I find myself drowning in confusion, perhaps sleeping or resting for a while and then re-posing itself again in the first similar event or occasion, because of my dissatisfaction and my conviction in the answers Which seems ready, or is wrong, or I have doubts about it, or about the prevailing concepts that I think are wrong or false..
My mother may be smart and I seem convinced for some time in the answer, but as soon as the incident is repeated, the question comes back more urgent than before, and the previous answer seems to have become in my consciousness fragile or more weak than it was..
Sometimes I rebelled by asking about what is usual and familiar, knocking on the door of the silent, and passing what is forbidden, in a heavy reality with the rubble of the past, the burdens of shame, the power of fear, and the declared rebuke of those who transgress what is forbidden.
I used to ask my mother questions without knowing that she would have to lie in answering them with the name and justification of the fault?! I used to ask my mother about my existence, and how did I get out of her womb to the face of the world, and from what outlet did I go out exactly?! And when my mother is born and I see my newborn brother or sister; I repeat the same persistent question.. while my mother at first answered me laughing or smiling that we got off her knees..then she aroused my curiosity more and I ask her how?! the newborn is larger than her knee; I may be confused and ask more!!
Perhaps my mother’s answer to the question seemed unconvincing or did not give me satisfaction, and it did not dispel my confusion, but rather I found it growing and expanding, and the question remains stuck in my mind, and my small mind remained motivated to find out the answer, but I found the brilliance of other questions, which reproduce like light from my mother’s dark answer..
My mother’s knee has no outlet for anything to come out of!! And there is no trace of it that can reveal something or something new from it that came out, in addition to the fact that my mother’s knee does not have bruising, tribulation or wound to support her claim.. There is no trace on my recovering mother’s knee of anything that supports her funny answer to my question!! Then how can something larger than the outlet below it come out, which does not have enough space for the head of the newborn to come out, so how about the whole newborn?!!
Many questions my mother did not answer, or answered them in a wrong way or deliberately lying about them, and the questions from the inside kept kicking me from time to time, without finding an answer that would cure my question, and dispel my expanding confusion..
My mother insisted on her answer, and did not give up on it until after a while, and until then I had to keep running with that question or those questions, which my mother’s answers gave birth to, and my little mind did not comprehend!! Today, many adults are deceived by their rulers’ fallacies more easily than my mother’s answers, which did not deceive my childhood.. The difference is different..
I used to hear my mother’s wailing and her torment while she was giving birth, but they would prevent me from entering her, or to the place where she was giving birth. Rather, I was forcibly removed from the nearby place, and this removal was mixed with sluggishness and redemption by some of the women present, in order to prevent me from hearing her tormented voice, tormented by childbirth. and I shall be prevented from knowing anything more than that my mother is now giving birth, and I shall be informed after the birth; Is the baby a brother or a sister?!
They would not allow me to enter the place until after everything was over.. When I entered, I could see the rope hanging to the ceiling stage, and my gills could receive the smells of incense, sweetness, myrrh, and other birth supplies that were burning, or my mother drank them to relieve pain and effects birth, but these things were unable to reveal or answer my question: Where did my born brother or sister come from?!! The truth is that the questions were multiplying, without finding an answer to them that would cure my curiosity, or even my innocent spontaneity.
The pressing questions and their answers are repeated, which may not do me more than the birth of other questions, even if after a while.. My mother tried to convince me that my brothers and I came out of her bed, an answer that probably kicked me more than the question! I was bewildered and not convinced of the answer.. Indeed, my doubts increased after I realized that she had lied in her previous answer, and her credibility declined in me.. I asked how her navel, which opened no more than the tip of her finger, could accept the passing of a child larger than my mother’s knee and navel combined..
After a while of my insistence on asking her questions, and her feeling that I was becoming more skeptical about her answer, my mother told her third lie, as she claimed that my brothers and I came out of her mouth.. But how can a mouth, no matter how wide, bring out a child larger than it!! Why didn’t you choke on him?! How can a child of a larger size come out of his mouth without him, or much smaller than him?!!
Perhaps these questions weighed in my head, and my mother’s most intentional wrong answers, through which she concealed the truth from me, sometimes ignored my questions, laughed at my questions, or sometimes answered her accompanied by a smile, confused me, and her insistence on an answer made me feel dissatisfied, or not convinced of what she was answering..
I knew the truth, but after a while I did not see it in my early life, other than these days when our children realize things that we were not aware of in those days.. and I discovered that we waste years of knowledge because of the defect that inhibits our minds motivated to fly, and I knew that the defect delays us a lot. It is one of the facts that are supposed to have become cognitive axioms in childhood, and I found that it is important to do as much as possible to free us from the defect that weighs us down, when we find this defect turns into an obstacle to knowledge, and to an extent that we should not take lightly..
My mother’s answer in those days, compared to the difference, was similar to the answers of those who govern us today here and there, and their responses to our questions. However, my mother’s wrong answer was motivated by the motive of staving off shame, and in order to preserve the water of modesty, and for reasons of modesty at that time.. As for today’s rulers, their motives are Defending their sick selves, their betrayals, corruption and looting, and their perpetration of all horrific crimes from impoverishment, corruption and killing the citizen, to impoverishing and killing the homeland..
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Continued..
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