Diary
(5) Between my fear and the intensity of my sense of injustice!.. Ahmed Seif Hashed
My memoirs.. from the details of my life
(5)
Between my phobia and the intensity of my sense of injustice!
Ahmed Seif Hashed
In one of my meetings with voters during the election campaign, as soon as I ran for membership of the House of Representatives in 2003, I was talking to them, and I suddenly stopped talking for more than five seconds, and a heavy silence prevailed..
I felt a sense of nonsense after the idea flew, and the word evaded me, and the memory at the moment refused to help me with words.. I felt numbness that struck me.. I felt a psychological disability that settled me.. a major disorder in my nervous system that was unmanageable and indistinguishable.. a defect in the tongue and memory.. a feeling of inferiority. I was overwhelmed by the feeling of a question filled with anger and anger: How can a Creator not be created who is all perfect..?! The respondent replied, “God has affairs in His creation.”
I was talking to myself before I got to the parliament: How can I speak in a large hall, in front of three hundred deputies and four cameras that surround me from every side and transmit my details from four angles, perhaps to millions of people..?!! How can I break into all of this while I am the shy person who suppressed my love for a long time because of my great shyness, and for three years I failed to reveal or speak with the girl I loved with an awful silence, and a great secret, without her knowing or knowing that I am in love with her burning and dying..!!
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At the beginning of my term in Parliament, and because of my shame and fear, I used to ask myself: Will I be like Newton, the silent parliamentarian who was said to have said nothing during the years of his parliamentary term other than asking him on one occasion to close the window through which cold air escapes!! Or will I be like that astronomer who was invited by the king to attend the celebration in his palace, so he imprisoned his urine, embarrassed and ashamed to ask about the toilet.. He embarked on the path of eternity not because of his astronomical discoveries, but because of this funny story to the point of death..
Then I go on to ask myself: Will I enter the gate of eternity through this gate?! Will I become paralyzed or paralyzed from my first speech in Parliament?!! Or a heart attack from the first sentence in which I am allowed to speak under the dome of Parliament, and thus I enter immortality from it to the Guinness Book of Records, or to an international or parliamentary encyclopedia concerned with such a matter, or even another miraculous encyclopedia.. A word or phrase that he speaks in Parliament, even if the earth is crowded with wonders.
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Later, and in fact, I sometimes found myself talking and losing my hierarchy of speech and the sequence of ideas.. I lost the priority between the most important and the important and what was below them.. I moved in the conversation from a paragraph in a certain direction before I completed it, to another paragraph, and perhaps to a second idea without even realizing it. I continue the first.. I lose a lot of focus, appear confused and agitated, some parts of my body may tremble, my voice tremble, and my breath rises to the point of ascending the spirit..
I was subjected to numerous, and perhaps almost continuous, violations, and I did not do well to present them properly in the Chamber of Parliament.. The injustice that affects me or I find on my shoulders is heavier and greater than me.. I feel very strongly that I have no luck in public speaking and is not articulated in speaking and speaking and communicating what I suffer in the way What I want.. I felt that the truth in what I said was profound, but it needed someone to convey it as it should.. The representatives, Nabil Pasha, Sakhr Al-Wajeeh, and Aidros Al-Naqib, were very good at expressing what afflicts me more than I do..
I went through successive shocks, and it was revealed to me that the reality is worse than I thought, and that the House of Representatives is not as it was in my mind before I reached it, and that most of the members are submissive in a way I did not imagine, and that the injustice has reached its level after the murder of my wife’s brother Adel Saleh Yahya, who used to work with me as a driver and escort, and that the injustices and grievances that I and people live through deserve a degree of boldness and madness..
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An intense sense of injustice developed in me, which prompted me to protest loudly and indifferently about my disability. My protest flared up in the face of great dread, awful shame and unjustified fears.
In this confrontation, I found myself stubborn in the face of this injustice, and ready to do everything possible to confront it and inform people of it.
I lived this raging and confrontation between the intense overcrowding of feelings of injustice on the one hand, and the tyranny of my fear and my shame on the other, in a way in which I seemed to be in a turbulence like a hurricane or a storm.
Remarkable tension, perhaps severe at times.. I noticeably lose control of my nerves, and may travel at times.. Ideas crowded in my head.. conflicting and storming.. rumbling and raging like a bout of madness that is repeated and refusing to submit to injustice in any way..
I have given up a lot of my shyness, even if it sometimes gets stronger and stronger in my confrontation, but it is less than affecting my life as it was.. As for my phobia, it recedes to this extent or that, and if it comes back to me and intensifies after a break, I try to overcome it on the same occasion or on another occasion more importance, even if it left an impact on the soul..
My confrontations against corruption and injustice and my bias towards the rights and interests of simple people make my stances more important than anything else.. and what I fail and fail to say, I succeed a lot in writing it, and in a way that reaches people as it should, or this is what I think and believe..
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