Diary
Shy and phobic (1) Alienation, shyness and turmoil.. Ahmed Seif Hashed
My memoirs.. from the details of my life
ninth series
Shy and terrified
Ahmed Seif Hashed
(1)
Alienation, shyness and turmoil
I was very shy, and very introverted.. I suffer from social phobia in a terrible and terrifying way.. That is how I knew myself at the beginning of my awareness of it.. It is true that in my first birth I did not come out silent, but came out with a birth cry that I can imagine as it made its way through the birth room in our house It is also true that I was naughty in my childhood, and perhaps in some stages of my life, but this did not affect my shyness and extreme introversion, which I used to feel very heavy on my life. My presence and I chased after my flight, and my shyness which was more heavy and burdensome and hindered my aspirations..
I was overwhelmed with a heavy feeling that I was handicapped with my shame, and that I am not fit for anything in this life, and that the future of my life will be multiplied by that handicap that I cannot overcome or free from, and it has become part of my inevitable destiny.
I felt with every failure that it was due to my infirmity, and I always felt that my existence was redundant, and that there was no wisdom in the existence of a surplus from its necessity, and that existence in some of it was frivolous and reckless of need, and that I began to live my absence and my estrangement in this noisy life that does not resemble introverted, shy and terrifying , You do not need my presence surplus and boring.
And when I later read the novel “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” by the French novelist and writer Victor Hugo, I felt that the hump that the protagonist carries on his back, I have always carried on my back.. That hump reminded me of my shame and fear that weighed heavily on my shoulders, preventing me from many opportunities, and depriving me of many things. I have always been confiscated and my rights have been confiscated despite my presence, which seemed to me to be a burden on this existence.
It is true that I sometimes took actions that seemed bold, rebellious and naughty, but most of the time my shyness accompanied me like a shadow, and sometimes its sweeping tyranny overwhelmed me, and did not leave me an outlet or space to budge into. This introversion and shyness has always wasted many opportunities in my life that were exhausted by the lost paths that I found myself captive to, or exposed me to many dangers and difficulties, or overwhelmed me with embarrassing situations that are countless and countless, and sometimes generated in me an intense feeling of failure and great disappointment, and the shortage that It reaches the stage of regret or nothingness.
The feeling of great fear and shame made me feel that fate had affected me with imbalance in the soul and disorder in the formation that came incomplete and abnormal.. I feel a malady that overwhelms me and does not leave me and the feeling of it does not leave me.. a disability that makes me blame and revolt in me over the fate that detracts from me or was the cause of the morbidity and imbalance The hitter in the depth of the soul..
They used to say that angels have a role in creating the fetus and settling it in its mother’s womb, and when I was young I used to ask my mother what it meant: Why so-and-so with pierced lips. She responds: The angels forgot to complete this hole.. Then they reprimanded me and prevented me from diminishing it, so that I would not have children like her, when I grow up and marry and have children in life..
Then the questions swept into me, and I felt that I was full of shortcomings and imbalance.. I blame the angels in my heart because of their neglect that afflicted a lot of me.. My eyes, my brain, my nervous system, and my shyness and introversion and my feeling of fear and embarrassment, but neglect and great negligence of them, worthy of sadness and blame And more, if it comes.
But when I grew up and acquired the knowledge of existence; I discovered that the real handicaps are the tyrants and the corrupt, the lords and merchants of wars, and I became more certain that these monstrosities are the burden on life and on this burdened existence.
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