Diary
(7) Reasons for my shyness and fear.. Ahmed Seif Hashed
My memoirs.. from the details of my life
(7)
Reasons for my shyness and fear
Ahmed Seif Hashed
We grew up in a reality filled with fear, dread and panic..a harsh life that has no kindness or leniency..a distorted childhood that sprouted in broken mirrors; So we seemed more terrified and terrified… oppressed at home and school, and even oppressed in all of life.. Most or all of our lives are humiliation, subjugation and obedience… in one form or another, a patriarchal authority that perceives you wherever you turn or go or stay.. Wars, violence, lavish killings, and a life of terror. From the beginning to the “torment of the grave” ..
Deified slavery, domesticated consciousness, submissive and submissive.. Minds looking for bridles, bonds, cocks, and limits.. Minds that do not go beyond our ears, so we hear, submit and obey.. Our violence is silenced, our voice is silenced, and the shame is the weight of the mountains, the heaviest of tricks and shoulders.. There are no horses here. Submissive, Muslims and surrendering.. Obedience, trust, absence and loss..
They lied to us when we were young and old.. We learned lies, submission and prepositions before we learned prepositions and the ABCs of speech.. We imbibed the herd culture from the softness of our nails until we reached old age..
Superstition occupied the lion’s den, and we dealt with the illusion that it is the absolute truth.. They reprimanded us and prevented us from searching for existence and answering confusion and questions.. They extinguished the spirit of searching in us and fulfilled reason, innocence and childhood.. We suckled ignorance and made it fear and holiness..
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I feel that my shyness and my phobia are due to a wrong family upbringing.. My childhood, the least I can say about it, was that it was very miserable.. heavy with oppression and cruelty, and afflicted with suffering and deprivation.. I talked about it and alluded to it in more than one place and place..
It was an exhausted, sensitive childhood burdened with pain.. Added to it were the many family problems that accompanied my tired first life, and I was often anxious.. I was required to blind obedience, and any rejection of it was followed without delay, harsh and hurried punishment, and without question..
When you are beaten in front of your peers, and who is your age, and you feel that the eyes are eating the timidity of your heart, the impact on the soul is very deep, only known to those who lived the experience and not from behind it..
When you feel insulted, the feeling is fatal.. When you want the earth to swallow you up and people not see the scene in which you are wishing for double death.. When your question is suppressed, you live the battle of the question, perhaps until the last days of your life..
I was burdened with a strict and cruel patriarchal authority, one of its titles was “Strike your son and give him good manners, he only dies from the fulfillment of his cause” .. “Strike him… men fall” .. “Beat them for ten…. “Then the burden increases on your small shoulders and the tenderness increases, with another authority, which is the authority of the professor or the teacher.. and the suppression of the question continues from the family to the school..
The professor hits you for the least and the most trivial mistake, with a stick or a cane, on a frosty morning, on the stomach and the back of your palm, and sometimes he invites your peers to tie you up, and quench your strength, with their hands and feet, to rub the bottoms of your feet, until the blood is almost flying from your face, the veins of your neck, and the bottom of your feet.. It is like revenge, attending a banquet, and a group scene, without understanding your reasons, or even listening to your excuse..
And before you are liberated from the authority of the father and the authority of the teacher, a third oppressive authority will attack you, kill your family, search your home, and you are still a child or juvenile, or under the age of puberty.. Then it watches you, pursues you, and lurks in you for the rest of your tired life, in order to contain you, or domesticate you and bring you to The world of obedience and submission.
It took me a great deal of repression for a long time to compel me to loyalty and obedience, and to be submissive, submissive, and obedient with “good conduct and behavior”…without opinion, no position, no will, no life…While on the other hand, I was desperate to object and reject the declared or unspoken resistance, and to assert myself and my independence Insolence.. a struggle that I fought early on and that has not ended to this day..
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In the context of setting examples of the suffering that I experienced, and it had an input in one way or another in creating or exacerbating what afflicted me of shame and fear; I will mention, for example, some facts that are still present in my consciousness after fifty years or more.
During my childhood in Aden, my mother used to raise my fears about those whom she calls “aljabrat” to prevent me from thinking of leaving our closed house from outside.. I am motivated to leave the house to see people and the life and hustle that is happening outside our house, but the prohibition is the prevailing, and its strictness was from Hadid, except for the rare case of illness, visitation, or a holiday, and without that it was almost impossible.. When we returned to the village, my mother was still warning me and raising my fears not to go away from the house so that I would not fall into the hands of “aljabrat” ..
She used to tell me that they smell the children they find on their way a special perfume, or something like that, and then the child leads their nape like an enchantment without realizing or conscious of it.. Then they take those children to the land of the English, and lock them there, and feed them meat, fruits and vegetables in a comfortable life until They become thick and shriveled, and their eyes are buried in their fat, and their blood is abundant and abundant.
Then they hammer nails into their heads, and hang them with their feet up, so that their heads hang down, and they put tin bowls under their heads; Excessive blood pours from them into those vessels, and they bleed to death, and then this blood is used by “gebra” to make gold and coins.. This story filled my imagination with fear, terror and panic..
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In the village, as soon as I was rioting and they wanted me to calm down, silence or sleep, my mother called my aunt Founun, my father’s sister, who used to gather us with a small common window in our old house, so my aunt changed her voice from the bottom of the throat to become in an alarming and strange way, and she says from behind the window: “Oh, transformer, transform with a son who eats it” and then repeats and adds to it until stillness falls.. That short sentence with its strange, pivoting voice made me panic and panic, so calm down or stop the chaos and riots and take refuge in a panicked silence..
The knots of fear, turmoil and dread kept growing with me, and as soon as the school’s turn came, I found my fear increasing from the teacher’s punishments, such as hitting with a stick, cane with a cane, and standing in front of the students with one leg.. School.. and most importantly, this and that was happening in front of my peers, and sometimes in front of adults, until I found myself, my phobia, my fear and my shyness increasing and growing, until I became in my psychological formation one of the outcomes of that cruel, wrong and distorted education..
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My banishment by my mother when I was young, and her anger and panic, and preventing me from questions that anger the Lord also contributed to the increase in my phobia.. This was doubled later on by the teacher at school, and I ask what the “stool” means he was talking about.. The professor became nervous about the question And my peers drowned in laughter after the professor’s excited answer until I started to feel heavy and unforgettable shame, followed by phobia and fear of revealing many of the questions that revolve in my mind. He wanted to know everything.
On another occasion in the first elementary school, and in the context of preparing for a school show party, the team that we presented, the group, consisted of ten students. The team shriveled, but I lost my balance and tried to win again but my balance broke me again, and I lost more; So I was excluded from the team and replaced by another student who succeeded in the task.. At that time, I felt a scar that settled inside me and my innermost parts and the depths of my soul.. I felt a deep shyness flowing into my depths, and a lack of skill that made me lose my self-confidence, all of which played a role in intensifying my shyness and phobia..
***
Shyness, introversion, fear, turmoil and phobia shared against me and burdened my childhood crowded with troubles and sufferings, and perhaps other reasons were present, including the presence of imbalance and disease in my central nervous system and my receptors or neurotransmitters, my psychological disorders, and other congenital defects that may have occupied some space in my brain, and a genetic defect that has affected me since My formation was the nucleus of my phobia.
I remember that my mother in some of the situations that the calf kneads at moments that call for rushing to do something, she was very confused, and she stuck words together, superimposed, gnawed and overlapped to the extent that we do not know what she is saying!! She doesn’t know what to say!! Nor is she at that moment able to explain what she wants except in the best of cases to her mother, what we can understand from the language of her hand sign, or from an emergency that happened, as the alienation of her cow, which was pulled from her headband, and almost fell into the abyss of the cliff, or her goat escaped on the planting of others. , or a request for calves is similar to the story of “the father’s distress by leaving the goat and tying the astonished “Friday”, who unwillingly smashed the lamp to bring the darkness, and overturned the dinner plate with what was in it, kicked the father with his leg, and kicked it with the other to tie the goat..!!
All of this may have made me, one day, feeling all this deficiency and infirmity, anger to the point of blaming my Creator, who I felt did not improve my formation in the optimal way, or what I desire and want, except that God says: (We created the human being in the best design.).
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He follows..
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