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Alternative to suicide!!
Ahmed Seif Hashed
I have refrained from committing suicide, but I want to do something less costly and gambling.. I want the noise of expressing myself and my rejection of the oppression that swept me from my father.. It will only be a blatant act of rebellion and protest.. I want my father to regret his act of iron cruelty. I want him to hear some of my madness, in protest of his oppression.
I cannot swallow my compulsion and remain silent as a stone or wood.. I must do something to express it with the maximum protest possible.. I want in some way to punish my father and let him hear some of my rebellious protest.. I must make him feel my grievance and his injustice to me, and that’s okay. For all people to hear my story.. I want my father to regret his excessive cruelty towards me.. My anger was still running and kicking inside me, and the blood erupted and boiled in my veins..
I went down from the room, passed the door of the house to make sure that it was closed with the latch and the stage, then went up to the court, and put an empty “mill” box on the opposite wall, and fixed it with a knife. On camels when transported..
I lay behind him, and tried to hold the rifle with my hand through its wooden planks to reduce the recoil during the shooting, and I fired my legs to lie in a fighting position I was not familiar with, but I was imprinted in my mind from pictures I saw in Chinese and Russian magazines that I received earlier through my brother who belongs to the Arab National Movement.” Revolutionary Democratic Party,” and Qarini Abdul Basit, brother of Muhammad Saeed Ghaleb, who was a member of one of the National Action factions.
I knew the rifle would run behind the shooter when the shots were fired; I had to hold it in such a way that it lessened its recoil.. I tried to shoot the case I had placed on the wall, while my finger was ready on the trigger, safely open for quick release.. As soon as I pressed the trigger with my frantic finger the bullets were fired..
I did not know that all that dust would gather from the inside in such a dense manner, and for a period that seemed to me not for a short time .. I did not know that the returning bullets would do to the walls what they did!! The truth is I don’t know how I survived?!! How did you find an impossible way?! Perhaps “Al-Khidr” was present with me, or he was good luck.
I did not know that the sound of bullets and thick dust would be such that whoever sees the house from outside and hears the rumble of bullets inside the house, believes that an earthquake has occurred in it.. the walls became perforated like a face in which “smallpox” spread, while the smell of gunpowder was permeable. The place is crowded..
In the crowd of dust, I tried to search for the canister of “The Mill” to which I fired bullets, and I found it and the knife fixed as it is in the wall without any injury or harm, while I found the walls were all perforated, hit by direct and return bullets.. I was surprised and felt strange that I did not hit the target that I had fired. The gun was at him, although I was close to him or not far from him, probably more than four meters.. I and the target escaped, and everyone else was wounded..
Women, men and children rushed to the house to see what happened!! The first to arrive was our close neighbor, Mana Saeed.. The door of the house is closed, and I assure everyone from the courthouse that nothing happened..
Questions crowd about what happened, and the faces of those present in a hurry are filled with astonishment.. Some of them are banging on the door of the house and they are about to break it. With a broken heart, and broken with bereavement..
I went down and opened the door and reassured people that I was fine, while my mother searched my body and my clothes to see what I had done myself. And when I was sure of my safety, I went to hide me from my father in another diwan in the house..a dark divan filled with bundles of dry plantations..As for my father, he rushed from the head of “Sharar” perhaps to take revenge on me the most severe, but he did not find him and my mother told him that I fled to the mountain..
I stayed for two days in my secret hiding place where only my mother, her tenderness and bread, comforted me. Nevertheless, I did not escape from a punishment that was postponed, and my mother did not escape from a hundred questions and problems.
In two days I felt that I was tired of my hiding place, and it also bored me.. I asked my mother to leave a space between my sleeping brothers for me to sleep among them, then she woke me up before dawn to go back to my hiding place without my father seeing me.. But my matter was revealed after an hour.. What a disappointment my trick and my mother’s trick !!
My father passed by my sleeping brothers around ten o’clock at night while they were asleep. I was the only one among them. I was apprehensive and could almost hear the crawling ants.. I heard him counting my brothers and saying to my mother there is one extra in number. But my father got down on his knees between us, and began to feel with his fingers, counting the heads and naming them for my mother, and my mother was trembling in the feast trying to recite Surat Yassin with her concealment, while my father counted and felt the heads. They quarrel and my voice and the voice of my terrified brothers and the sound of the quarrel fill the space of the village and its vicinity.. A scream that tears the serenity of the night I sleep and settle, and leaves the people of our village and its surroundings with bewilderment, questions and panic..
I took the opportunity of the moment of the quarrel between my father and my mother and executed me. I ran and jumped from the house.. It was a risk, but fear and panic worked the miracle, and perhaps the adrenaline secreted by the adrenal glands in such a case, we avoided what might happen to us from possible harm.
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Continued..
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