The first series..My memoirs..Ahmed Seif Hashed
My memoirs.. from the details of my life - the first series
Ahmed Seif Hashed
The first series.. My memoirs.. from the details of my life
Dedication:
I dedicate what I wrote to the tired, tired, thirsty for freedom..
And those who belong to the future we seek..
Some details of my life
Initiation and beginning:
What prompted me to write “Some of the Details of My Life” is an attempt and a look at an era we lived through with its hardships and pleasures..with its hopes and disappointments..with its space and its guest..with its various experiences and its winding paths, trying to cross into the future we seek, in a very difficult and complex reality, and a society that oppresses the mind and oppresses The question.. longs for the past and loves DJs..
We swam against the current.. We sailed against the wind.. We lived with endurance and challenge.. We did not despair and did not give up hope.. We tried to turn on the light in an ocean crowded with thick darkness.. We lit our lives in an attempt to remove some of this darkness that overwhelms life in its dark and crowded blackness. .
We made a lot of great effort to move a reality greater than our destiny.. we were right here and we erred there.. so let those who come after us be warned.. benefit from what we hit, and learn from the mistakes and sins we have fallen into, some of which were contributed to by the unfortunate and the upturned fate.
In our battle, we tried to persevere in the face of the setbacks and setbacks of time.. We rebelled against the monotony of the ordinary and the boredom and boredom that weighs life.. We belonged to the future and adored it with passion.. We rejected oppression and rebelled against it.. We resisted oppression and refused to submit to it..
We resisted and rebelled against all the authorities that wanted to domesticate us and subjugate us in their flocks, until we made the impossible possible after our struggle and despair. We stop dreaming and trying, and searching for the future tirelessly, despite the weight of despair and the weight of frustrations.
In the same place, we call and urge those after us to be better than us in creating and accumulating awareness, insisting on trying and succeeding, and more capable of changing reality, no matter how severe it is, and transforming what is possible from the impossible into the possible..and urging them to be more deserving of life, dignity and humanity..
And we say to the simple, depressed, and those crushed by oppression, do not surrender.. Rebellion and revolt as much as you can against your heavy reality, and try to break the restrictions that bind your feet, and the authorities that hide your statement, and fetter tongues.. I appreciated it..
Resist those who want you to be domesticated herds, or submissive, submissive human beings, robbery of consciousness, will and action.. dead, robbery of humanity and conscience.. Suppressed and forbidden from exercising the right to doubt, question and knowledge.. search for freedom, a future, and a life that befits you as free men, worthy of life, love, dignity and justice. ..
Say to those who once lived on your blood, stole your rights and confiscated your dreams: History we are not you.. in history you are just tyrants, murderers, robbers and thieves who passed from here without glory or dignity..!!
Tell them: You are just tyrants and corrupt people who will eventually settle in the stinking dunghills of history and its deep bottoms, accursed the remembrance at all times, while we simple, toiled people deserve all life, dignity and glory.. We are the ones who build and you are the ones who destroy.. You are all ruin..
There is nothing wrong with some narcissism and arrogance in front of the hollowness and claims of all narcissists and their blasphemers and preachers, who tamper with the mind and poison consciousness, falsify history, arrest the future and assassinate life..
What I wrote in this part I was keen on its essence and general content, and as for the facts and most of them, I tried to remember what I could remember, and neglected some of the facts leaving them for automatic memory, or perhaps I will mention them on other occasions coming in a place in the next part or after it, without On the other hand, I forget from time to time to go through other occasions, and with a greater presence to the present or near present, so as not to remain trapped in the past and its singularity.
I turn to the present or what is close to it according to the motives and the link of the connection, and the importance of recalling what I am about.. In some facts that are difficult to recall their details, I tried to find an approach to the possible and the reality that I experienced..
This part is only the beginning of a project that may grow and expand in the future, according to the necessities of the need and the situation, the reasons for its importance, and what is sufficient for me of time and age, or what is left of it.
I tried to publish most of what I wrote on social media before publishing it in a book, perhaps to arrive at the approach I am looking for, and to re-evaluate and review what was published two and three times, in the hope that this book will come with fewer errors, perhaps to be corrected or mostly, and enrich it with further study. revision and analysis in a later edition.
***
first series
(1)
Confusion and existential questions!
I do not know how I came to this world crowded and raging with conflict, anger and madness…full of killing, injustice and atrocities…a world in which the right to life is sacrificed in the name of life, and where justice is hardened in the name of justice, and where equality of opportunity is often absent to the point of nothingness!!
Tyrants and tyrants ruled the world, and they are still ruling it in one way or another to this day.. They built their glory, which they sing, praise and glorify, at the expense of the plundered peoples’ blood, the violation of human dignity, his hunger and pain, and the dissipation of his dreams and hopes..
Poor, lost and deprived.. deceived to death.. afflicted with the curses of fates that do not leave them and do not stop following them without leaving them a space or respite.. miserable people with bad luck and bad luck.. they pay others from their poverty, want and misery to a life of luxury, extravagance and frivolity.. doomed In reality, they did not make it..A greater number of them forced them to be forced without any advice or question from them.
Life on land, sea, and air is cruel and savage..full of injustice, pain and madness..a world dominated mostly and mostly..a terrifying reality that succeeded in setting its example and described a feature of it by the German philosopher “Schopenhauer” by saying: “tortured and tormented beings.. can only live by devouring.” each other..every beast in it is a living tomb of thousands of beasts, and the way to survive in it is a series of painful death..
In the human world, we find this savagery present in multiple forms. Indeed, the American thinker and writer “Mark Twain” goes to the fact that man is more hideous and savage than animals, where he wrote under the title “The Cursed Humankind” that experiences convinced him that man is the only one who bears in his chest grudge. Harm, revenge, revenge and baseness.. He deals with his kind with healing, humiliation, humiliation and enslavement.. Animals are killed by unconscious motives such as hunger or fear, while man abandons his conscience, morals and human sense, and commits the greatest evil, which is the organized collective war..
A world that has been ruled and is still ruled mostly by worse than the law of the jungle, and the conditions for survival in it are still for the strongest, the most evil or the most cunning, and many who shed blood in the name of God and the Holy, or in the name of an idea, ideology, or stinking fanaticism under any name, for the sake of power, or from Excessive selfishness and tyranny, greed that increases and continues and does not stop.
***
Were we found by chance or necessity, or is there another answer, or is the answer a secret unseen in the world of the unseen and the unknown?! How did we come to this life?! A question that has been a frequent source of confusion, which has troubled many philosophers, poets and thinkers, old and new.
The Persian astronomer, philosopher, and poet Omar Khayyam, the author of the Rubaiyat, died in 1124 AD. His bewilderment and doubt caused him to be accused of heresy and atheism. where he said:
“I was forced into the arena of life
Visiting her only made me confused…
And here I am, forcibly deserting her
I wish I knew the purpose of my departure, my present and my stay!!”
***
It seems that the poet Elia Abu Madi in the poem (Incantations) derived the idea of the beginning of his poem from that quartet.
Many existential questions were raised by the poet Elia Abu Madi in his long poem consisting of approximately 340 verses, which he began with:
“I came, I don’t know where, but I came
I saw a way before me, and I walked
I will stay walking whether I want this or not
How did I come How did I see my way..
I do not know”
Then the questions follow and reproduce and multiply and close each piece with an answer I don’t know, but this closing was filled with confusion that arouses a lot of cognitive attraction, and stimulates more curiosity and an attempt to explore and probe the depths, and receive more questions that give birth to knowledge.. the questions that open the holes of doubt that It expands, and its hammers that knock on the doors of consciousness, and it keeps pressing on it until the doors and shutters are opened.
Elia Abu Madi, who titled his poem “Incantations” tells and asks the ambiguity that calls for disclosure, the ambiguous that claims to be removed, and the mystery that seeks a solution.. He asks the sea, the monastery, and the tombs.. It raises anxious philosophical questions that try to restore the usurped awareness, and remove false certainty..
“I don’t know” he was throwing at the end of the clip, as if asking for salvation after passing the bold question he wanted..or so I think.
Elijah Abu Madi delves into the questions, and asks himself philosophical questions that were previously raised by philosophers and theologians before eras and centuries ago. Is man in this existence free or guided, but he presented this problem in a beautiful poetic form:
“Am I free, free, or am I in chains?
Am I a self-leader in my life or a leash?
I wish I knew but…
I don’t know”
In another stanza of the poem he says:
You are a captive sea. Oh, how great is your family.
You are like me, O mighty one, you do not have control over yourself.
I liked your situation and my excuse told your excuse
So when I escape from captivity and you survive..
I don’t know
And in a third stanza:
“In you, O mighty one, shells and sand.”
You are without a shade, and I have a shade on earth.
You are without a mind, and I have no mind, O sea of mind.
So why did you go and stay..
I don’t know”
***
How did we get here?! A question nearly a hundred years ago that sparked a lot of responses and controversy.. I continued.. Today, we are in a middle that seems darker and darker than that of yesterday.. A question that could cost you your life if you let your mind wander in search of an answer that flies far from what people are used to. .
In the name of God and defending Him, your soul may be lost, and you will not find anything to defend yourself with at an alleged scholar of knowledge, who only wants to hear his voice alone, or a religious group that does not accept discussion or controversy from you except with the space of its small bottle, its narrow hermitage and its strict fatwa, or An authority captivated or governed by the culture of the past, which facilitates death or without it just for the sake of opinion, diligence or thinking, and such ease may affect you even just by placing a question on the table, or raising a question in the circles of your society in which you live..
There are many logical and epistemological questions to announce or search for an answer to, in a rusty and backward midst, that may plunge you into a fierce clash with your heavy and harsh reality, or push you to the prison, or lead you to your certain death, and make you a sacrifice, and a bridge to cross for an ignorant person. Looking for heaven and forgiveness by taking your transparent soul?!
***
Some see that life is misery, unhappiness, and torment for the soul.. and that winning it is a victory with pain, regret and illusion, and what some people perceive as a loss, others see it as a pre-liberation from life’s pain, aches and hardships that only end with death.
The American novelist “Herman Melville” author of the white whale novel “Moby Dick” believes that “life is just a crude joke played by the gods on us, and the best we can do is join them and share the game and laughs with them.” Whereas the life of the English playwright William Shakespeare is nothing but a stage and a miserable actor who continues to feel anxious for his entire hour on stage, and a tale full of noise and fury but without meaning.
German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer believes that life is suffering, and that human existence is chaotic and meaningless. Nietzsche believes that life has never been just, and denies the existence of any divine providence over human affairs. The Russian novelist Dostoevsky sees life as hell. Socrates sees it as affliction, and Russell sees it as “nothing but a competition in which each of us wants to be the criminal, not the victim.” On the other hand, life for Picasso is art, for Gandhi is love, for Einstein is knowledge, and for Stephen Hopkins is hope.
***
In the race of 300 million sperm, only one fertilizes the egg, is created in the mother’s womb, and otherwise dies and dies. Which coincidence is this in which the ratio difference reaches 1-300 million, and which one is the lucky one?
The depressed Roman philosopher “Emil Cioran” believes that the lucky are those who did not reach the egg in the first place, and the unfortunate are those who did..
Some believe that raising your awareness and accumulating your knowledge increases your hell and your suffering in life.. “Schopenhauer” says: “Nature has shown that the more you understand, the greater your ability to feel pain, and the maximum degree of understanding does not reach, unless you reach to The extreme degree of suffering. Kafka says: The first signs of the beginning of understanding are that you want to die, and that excessive awareness and awareness of things are more dangerous than drugs.. Cioran believes that consciousness is a chronic curse, and a colossal catastrophe. He even goes to say that ignorance is a homeland and awareness is an exile.. Dostoevsky confirms Excessive consciousness is a real and complete disease.
***
The success of one in the 300 million race, is the one that was the reason for the existence of each one of us?! An existence that if we were to simulate it, some might choose it with hope, and some might see the unknown as doubt, and there is no hope in a world full of illusion and lies.
Perhaps some would have rejected this existence if they were given the freedom and will to make a choice.. the choice which, according to their philosophy and opinion, is based on deep awareness and extensive knowledge.
Dostoevsky said: “If my birth depended on my will, I would refuse to exist under such cynical conditions. And in another place he says: “Is it not madness to bring children under these despicable conditions?”
Emil Cioran says, “For an ecstasy that does not exceed nine seconds, a person is born suffering for seventy years.” “I have committed all the crimes except for being a father.” He also says in the same regard, “Those sons whom I did not want to come, I wish they would realize the happiness they owe me.”
Schopenhauer believes that “sacrificing pleasure in order to avoid pain is a clear gain” and says of life that it “swings like a pendulum between pain and boredom.”
The poet and philosopher Abu Al-Ala Al-Maari recommended that they write on his grave:
“This is what my father committed against me… and I did not harm anyone.”
For Franz Kafka, life seems to be a war: “A war with yourself..and a war with your circumstances..and a war with the fools who created these conditions.”
While Anton Chekhov sees that with death you will be the biggest winner, there is no need to chase after food or drink, no need to pay taxes, and no need at all to argue with others.. As for Emil Cioran in the tragedy of consciousness and existence, he sees that death is our last salvation..
The American writer and writer Mark Twain mocks life and death, saying: “People are born to hurt each other, and then die.” We knew that whoever is born now will die later.. so why does nature allow us to continue committing this sin?!!..
***
How many coincidences have been produced or moved by necessities in a long and complex process, perhaps bewildering beyond imagination?!
A long chain of coincidences and necessities that does not stop and does not stop, we do not know its first beginning, we do not know where it is going, and we do not know where it will end if there is an end to the matter!
The place does not stop walking, time is forever, and the fates of the universe are mysterious and unknown.
But why is it that one of us who is stuck in the mother’s womb and is created for nine months, comes out to the front of the universe crying out?! Is this crying or screaming a declaration of existence, or is it a rejection and protest against such an existence?! Is it fear of the world or fear of the unknown?!
Why don’t we go out to the front of the universe happy, giggling, or even smiling?! Why does a human-born begin his life only with a sharp weeping cry?! Is this crying cry an expression of rejection of a destiny that this newborn did not choose, or in which his will had no affair or choice?!
The English poet and playwright William Shakespeare tries to answer sarcastically: “At the moment of birth we cry; Because we are coming to a theater full of idiots.”
Between the cry of birth and the gasp of death or leaving in silence, an age burdened with suffering, and a world of troubles and sorrows, things, and details.
When your mistake always stumbles, and bad luck affects your luck as a curse that does not leave you, and the wishes of your life are disappointed, and fates crush you right and left, and you become prey to deprivation and trouble.. Miserable and disappointed?!
***
My father and mother.. my grandfather and grandmother.. had it not been for these, I would not have come to this existence, and I would have been in nothingness.. and this applies to all hierarchies.. to all generations.. to the first root.. to the first primitive man in any way.
What if my mother aborted me in her womb, as soon as I was unaware, did not understand anything, and did not care about pain?!
What if I committed suicide one day, crushing my selfishness, and an instinct that clings to a life from hell, that kept me burdened with painful suffering, and the pain of a stressful life, which extended for a long time until I approached my old age?!!
And what do we say about what they called mercy killing out of pity for its owner, and deliverance from a disease that has reached despair, and pain that burns like fire, which can only be stopped by the emancipation of the soul and its liberation from its narrow bodily prison, which is more than an iron cage..?!!
***
(2)
My mother’s marriage before I existed
Before my existence, my “mother” had married twice before my father.. I was at that time in nothingness, or so I imagine it.. When compared to my subsequent existence, it seems nothingness is devoid of everything.. a great void, with no place or time.. a void that has no container and no There are no boundaries, no suffering, no hell..there is no aspect of feeling or existence of any kind in it.. a state that cannot be imagined or described by anything other than nothingness, or something similar to it, or something close to it..
To find an approach to understanding your nothingness, you have to unleash your imagination, to visualize this nothingness.. you have to imagine your nothingness if you are drowning in imagination and deep thinking.. you have to launch questions in the spaces of exploration of existence and non-existence..
Ask your consciousness if you are conscious, or your imagination if you have imagination: What were you a thousand years ago?! What did this universe mean to you a million years ago?! What did you mean to this world before such a date?! Even zero if you compare it to you on that day, you’d be less than zero if zero had a minus.
And after your death, perhaps it will not mean existence in anything, even if your fingerprint remains in it, saying, “Pass through here,” nothing will remain but your short and fleeting passage in this life from which you passed at the speed of light, and what you were in it.
Your short life, which is like a blink of an eye, or a thousand and a million faster than it on the scale of time eternal. Before you turned or left him, and without knowing the end of it, maybe you and I – if not in a certain ruling – are a child of it, and each in his existence has a proportion of good and evil that may decrease or increase without pure..
My mother’s first husband
My mother’s first husband was one of her relatives.. She was not more than twelve years old at the time of her marriage contract with him, and he is years older than her.. Their marriage lasted about four years, and she did not have children, perhaps because he came years before her first menstruation, yet I did not hear from my mother One day she denounced this marriage, or slandered it, either because of her ignorance or consent, or because of the remnants of beautiful memories and nostalgia she tends to.
Her husband wanted to take her with him to Aden, where he works and resides, but the husband’s father had the authority to decide the first in rejection or acceptance, and he prevented and refused was firm and resolute, and imposed on the spouses his choice and nothing else.. His paternal authority went beyond the most details .. He could have interfered and objected even to the gifts that his son sent from Aden to his wife in the village, which is what actually happened, and it was a door to a problem that one day collapsed..
The wife, despite her young age, had to do her best to serve the father’s family and obey him. As for the son, he must be submissive and obedient. He does not want the father to command an order, and he has no right to object or defeat the will of his father if he wants and wants..
It was shameful, and even disobedient, for a son to stand against his father’s desire and authority, even if the father crushed his son’s happiness and love for his wife.. On the other hand, the authority of the wife’s family interfered as well, under the pretext of protecting their daughter from the abuse of the husband’s family, so gambling began with her marital destiny, and many and the future of her This interference and contradiction led to divorce and great separation.
The authority of “my mother’s mother” intervened, and the mother had a powerful personality and strong will.. She took her daughter to her home.. while the spouses were crying, not wanting a divorce or separation.. The two cried, and the bitterness of the situation increased, that they did not have the fate of their marriage and love. They have neither power nor power to stop the conflict, and what leads to the gambling of the heads of families, and the intensification of the dispute between the father of the husband and the mother of the wife, and the indifference and the preservation of what is possible, lost the love that was defeated by obedience and gambling, and it ended in dislocation, and separation forever..
***
My mother’s second husband
My mother” married for the second time from a relatively remote area, and without relatives.. But this marriage was short and fleeting.. “My mother” did not stay with this kind and generous husband, except for a few weeks, the love was incomplete, or one-sided, and he could not The generosity and generosity of the husband, to fill the missing half of the lost love.
My mother’s wedding took place in her second marriage, without any prior knowledge of who wanted her to marry, and without even seeing him or being consulted, and without her having a word in acceptance, rejection or choice.. My mother did not see her except on the wedding night.. The marriage was For “mom” and maybe for the husband as well, it’s like fortune-telling, fortune-telling, and the lottery..
It seems that the heart of “my mother” was not attracted to the one whom her family chose for her, or for the one who had the request of the hand and the choice.. Perhaps her luck failed, or the heart of “my mother” was frustrated, or suspended in hopeless hope, or perhaps some of the old love still beats secretly and discreetly. The things that we leave under compulsion, we remain attached to them, and we refuse to leave them, and they remain in the memory for a period that may extend to old age, and the nostalgia for the old continues to refuse to leave or die.
The contract of this marriage was soon dissolved and the separation took place early, and despite its short days, the pregnancy realized it, and “my mother” gave birth to a daughter from him, and the girl is a female in our male reality, she must pay a high cost, which continues from birth until the end of life .. a heavy and unjust social reality , causes her to pay the tax of her existence, pain and coercion, and a detraction that lasts from birth to the most despicable age, and even male racism pursues her to the shroud and the grave, and even after the dirt falls on her!
Why should a person continue to bear the consequences of the mistakes of others, and in this manner, the high cost that accompanies him until the last moment of his life, and even extends to the ground?! Why do human beings – if this is the case – continue to bear the consequences of a sin and mistakes that were not of their own making, or that they did not make themselves?!
Why do children and grandchildren bear the mistakes and sins of distant grandparents?!! Why should all human beings – if this is the case – bear the sin of our mother Eve and our father Adam until the end of time, if time has another and an end?!
This my sister, with the purity of crystal and the simplicity of good people… She submits to fates with the patience of those who have no power or strength.. She still pays the price for the mistakes of others.. She submits to fates that she did not create, and she did not participate in making, but she was her constant victim to this day. She lived a miserable childhood, and was married as a child to a man who is about thirty years her senior.. This sister is to this day being tossed by bad fates against what she wants… Her last calamity was the departure of her sick daughter, and before her a great affliction afflicted her, the killing of her son in this damned war, which deprived her even of her salary. Al-Shehri, which was seized by warlords, lords of corruption, and merchants of wars and homelands.. Even its name seems to be a deceptive fate..
Her name is not named, and Hana Al-Hana in her life did not find existence or traces of trace.. Even our beautiful names, mostly or some of them, we were deceived by them, they choose them for us; We discover at the end of life that it was just an illusion upon an illusion, and a mirage over a mirage.
***
My mom’s marriage to my dad
My “mom” did not want to marry a third time.. She wanted to be content with raising her daughter from the second husband.. But she was persuaded to marry for the third time by her brothers, and she was tempted by describing “my father” whom she does not know as chivalrous, chivalrous and honorable, and encouraged her to the next marriage. To give birth to a son.
They told her: The girl will not help you in your life, that she will grow up and marry, and she will cry and you will cry with her, while the boy will have a certain good and support in your life, and a guarantee for your future in the coming days, and the misfortunes and unknowns that you may carry for you..
Each has his own logic and arguments in the light of a mined reality that is not safe for women, and in which the man has deep and rooted authority over the woman, and in the end his word on it is the separation of the discourse.. and “Hatham” does not have a saying here, and “Juhayna” did not interrupt the saying of every preacher..
“My father” saw “my mother” on the way, so he decided to marry her.. “My father” married before “my mother” four women, they were divorced except for one who remained in his custody. She is the mother of my brother Ali.. Ali was the only surviving boy from the \ Death, and what was left for her, and she remained my father’s wife until her death, and “my mother” became the mother of seven survivors, daughters and sons, and in his marriage she held the conclusion..
When my mother married my father, one of the women called “Al-Baqta” commented on this marriage by saying: “Hanash with Mahnoush,” as if her tongue was saying: I disappointed her with his disappointment.. “My father” had four marriages before “my mother,” and “my mother” had two marriages before “my father,” followed by “my father” third.
Perhaps, in the eyes of some, it began with multiple failure experiences on both sides, and some may consider that both of them have become experts in failure.. Despite this and what was said, this marriage withstood the end of life, defying and overcoming great calamities and events..
And in her life, she chose to have her grave next to my father’s grave in the village, which preceded her leaving twenty years, and choosing her last shrine was her only and last will, and her body was transferred from Sana’a to the village to lie next to him in peace and stillness..
Their marriage lasted for a long time in a legendary steadfastness that is rare like it.. a marriage similar to the marriage of the sea and the mountain.. a constant struggle with ups and downs.. a continuous noise that does not acknowledge or calm down, but it did not give up or turn one of them back on the other in a rupture that lasts.. the greatness of this marriage is its legendary steadfastness. And its continuity, resisting all the factors of separation and separation, and without surrendering to any clash or escalation.. It did not surrender to a factor or emergency, even if it was the size of a disaster, and it was not shaken by panic or panic, or by cutting off a leg and hand, but only ended with death holding the conclusion..
As for me, I was the collector and the joint who continued to give patience and perseverance, and the number that refused to be taken out of the calculation of the equation between them.. I am the absent boy who came after waiting, and my uncles had already talked about him, before the marriage of “mother” to “father” .. I am the one who In my mother’s life, she will be a guarantee for her future in the coming days, and for the calamities and unknowns that she may bear.
***
(3)
My existence and being born against my will
In the first half of a waning winter’s afternoon, my birth and existence were afflicted by my miserable fates.. My hometown was in a house dented on one side.. My hometown was in a room with no light, prone to darkness.. An air that could hardly pass a ray of faint light, at an angle. Broken, blocking the light.. the dim light is not enough, and you have to look closely.. your eyes are a little strained to see your things..
If the door is widened or opened to its fullest..a little dim light barely passes..it sneaks in from our upper floor.. it breaks in the stairs of the walkway down.. it vanishes in a crooked road on the pole of the house.. it reaches the room, pallor and tired..
At the bottom of the room there is a bowl filled with water and other things, and in the alcove are sweet talit, Arabic frankincense and incense.. and a lamp whose burning humiliation is trying to spread exhausting light between the ceiling and the walls.. The ceiling is made of sticks from adobe trees, and Sidr wood laden with mud.. the rain if it falls on the roof becomes the bottom The room is containers and Unni receives sperm..
My mother is writhing in pain.. She lives in moments of labor.. A rope is tied to the stage of the room’s ceiling.. Her hands are firmly holding the knots of the rope, hoping to cross a wall of pain and childbirth.. Lol and the pain extends and increases, and the obsessive whispers, and the fear of death overtakes her.
I came out of the mother’s womb to the back of the world, screaming and crying out in protest against the unknown, I came to him without will.
There is no power or power for me.. Destinies imposed what I have no trick in.. The room received my frivolous existence with a dim light that almost shredded my screams.. If I had a choice before my existence and with this awareness of my existence, I would not have chosen my existence.. I mocked a life in which misery was overwhelming.. life Overcrowded with injustice and frivolity.
I was guided by the date of my birth with difficulty.. I was born on February 16, 1962, corresponding to Ramadan 12 and the year of the Hijri calendar. I lost my numbers.. They said your horoscope is Pisces and the sign is Aquarius.. They said in calculating the letters, Leo is based on the mother’s name, and they said Capricorn “Shawah Wawah” after the aging mother’s name. Custody..
The hands of my aunt, my uncle’s wife, greeted my exhausted body from the first look with a bowed head.. They said the newborn takes some characteristics and qualities from the one I met.. This is what is usually told and rumored in our inhabited villages with grandmothers’ tales..
The news of my miserable existence is good news on the face of the parents.. joy rippled on my father’s face.. and the faces of uncles were pulsing with joy.. my mother was overwhelmed with joy.. the next one was a male, not a female.. a male built for him a barricade.. masculine awareness and bruising if the newborn was female. We are still living in the old days..
The female is a reality, and in it she accepts the compelled.. reluctance at the first sight.. then they get used to it.. my mother used to distinguish me with an excess of abundance.. in love, food and drink.. she wants me quickly, a cockroach wind is bigger and stronger in the face of the world..
My uncle Saleh had a good deal in astrology and “sand” .. he searched for our horoscopes and horoscopes.. he named me Ahmed.. he said that my birthday is happy, and even more than that he said, but in reality he had the final say.. bad luck, misery and troubles.. my share of Happiness is little.. Misery befell me for six decades.. I became part of me or I became part of it.. Fate opposes me and sometimes be slack and deceive me.. My life is misery and misery.. My luck in the face of the wind is scattered, and I am fighting a sword..
Evil and misfortune follow.. Joy if it takes place, with hardship.. I work hard and assert and a harvest that does not satisfy hunger.. exhausting effort and the situation is intense.. the profit is little, and the few seize the abundance.. the abundance is taken over by the sword.. I am close to sixty and the situation is worse than yesterday Toil and toil.. unknown and narrow in life and you think life..
I am the one without my consent.. I came to the belly of the snake.. The snake colored me in order to comfort me on a tree trunk that has dried up from a period of time, and it has become harder than flint.. mashing my skull and bones.. Squeezing me with fiery acid.. Burning my hopes.. Reality is cruel and pestilent.. I was forcibly present.. I found and did not find a space for refusal before my presence.. and there was no time in which to consult myself.. They cut off the ways for me to return..
The fire in front of me engulfs my range, and the sea runs after me with my mouth wide open.. I did not choose my name or my belief.. I did not choose my place of residence.. Not even the date of birth.. Alienation is chasing me and woe threatens me. .
If I was aware of this and I had to choose.. I would have chosen my nothingness, and rejected my existence instead of the thousandth time.. My existence was forced against my will.. That is why I rebelled and revolted.. My hell would increase, and I would not surrender..
I was forced into this state.. I hated life and existence.. I am not satisfied with a life imposed by misery and generalized by tyranny.. I am not satisfied with a situation in which a person exploits his fellow human being.. He sheds his blood and takes his soul in an absurdity that the beasts of the jungle do not dare.. Have you read the book “Humankind” Cursed” by Mark Twain.. I am the one who found himself in a saying by a philosopher who said: “From the day of my birth I found myself with the world at odds.”
Sometimes I celebrate my birthday as a break from the routine of the year.. Christmas I travel out of my consciousness.. I come out of my consciousness in protest. I relieve some of the suffering of my existence.. I snatch a happy moment from a coming year that is no less dark than the previous one.. the shoulders are burdened with sadness, and bad luck accompanies me throughout the year. .
The reality is bad, and the truth is bitter.. said by Nawal El Saadawi.. the truth is “brutal and dangerous.” So I seek refuge with an imagination to compensate for my loss and a lot of my deprivation.. I rebel against the fates imposed by reality in a medium that is accepted by many with submissiveness and silence..
In the face of the oppressor, I say “no” and repeat it in a medium that enjoys “yes” throughout the year.. I remember the glory of hope exhausted by awareness, as he says: “Glory to those who said no in the face of those who said yes.” I pay its cost, no matter how big it is.. I pay its cost and go on.. I pay the cost and I will not give up.. This is my hell and the bleeding of the soul is some of it.
***
Continued..
Ahmed Seif Hashed’s Facebook page
