Diary
(4) My phobia while I read a statement of rejection and opposition.. Ahmed Seif Hashed
My memoirs.. from the details of my life
(4)
remnants of phobia
Ahmed Seif Hashed
I feel confused and ashamed..I watch my voice, and its tone is disturbed and its context is disturbed..I feel that the inhabitants of the earth are watching my trembling and stammering voice, while my breaths race against each other as if they are in an unprecedented “marathon”..I am so tense that I feel that my vocal cords are being torn in the face of an irresistible storm. to resist..
My tired soul seems to be shattered under the strokes of the eyes of those who see me or follow my talk and my confusion.. The sound of my heartbeat rises until I think my soul is almost coming out of my mouth.. I may also sweat no matter how cold the weather is.. All in all I feel that a great confusion has befallen me, the size of an earthquake of eight degrees on a scale. Richter..
To you, Dr. Dean Burnett’s reference in his book, The Idiot Brain, was an approach to what I experienced from the phobia and feeling in some citizens.. “Dean Burnett” gives examples of some people with phobias – and I think one of them in analogy with the difference of the occasion – they prefer wrestling a wild cat over a song “Keraoke” .. they want to play with live bombs than to sing in front of the audience .. If they choose between singing and wrestling, they will choose wrestling rather than singing in front of the audience..
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I failed in love repeatedly because of the tyranny of my shyness and my phobia.. I lost more than one love in my life.. I lived imperfect love grilling on a hot tin.. I was charred repeatedly as I called out my many disappointments.. Many of my dreams evaporated because of this shame and phobia that has plagued me for many years.. And perhaps I also missed many opportunities that could have changed the face of my life.. many shocks and disappointments hit their stakes in the depths of my buried soul.. their nails smashed into my head, which weighed down on my shoulders until I sometimes found myself pulling it after me with great difficulty..
Shyness and social phobia is a deep problem that I suffer from since childhood..a psychological handicap that I have always suffered from in my life. Rather, it is more than a handicap that caused me many defeats, some of which were severely impacted on my soul, my future and my missed opportunities.
I have always felt that I am disabled from head to toe.. I feel that every organ, nerve and muscle in my face and my four limbs let me down in the most moments when I need stability and cohesion.. I feel the disorder of my entire nervous system. An excuse to control it as a fate that has become difficult to resist..
A mixture of extreme shyness and the most severe social phobia still haunts me and is repeated with me from time to time. It may be short or prolonged, or reappear after interruption and oblivion, and I may sometimes find it still stalking me while I am in this long life to the point of believing the whole truth in Voltaire’s saying: “Shyness is a ghost He cannot be defeated.”
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In the session of the House of Representatives held on August 13, 2016 regarding the blessing of the formation of the Supreme Political Council, I was the only one among the audience who announced my position with a statement confirming its unconstitutionality, in which I rejected war and aggression, and the resort of parties and local political forces on their various orientations to the option of armed violence to resolve political differences among them , as well as seeking help and bullying abroad or calling for it.. I protested against everyone, and condemned everyone, including the de facto authority in Sana’a, and I was probably the first to use this term, which angered the Vice President of the Council in one of the meetings that was not broadcast.
My fear overtook me in that public session with tyranny and tyranny.. That groove is still deep in me when some of my colleagues in the Council and others outside it slandered me; Including one of my comrades who saw me on TV as soon as I was reading a statement of my rejection and objection to the formation of the Supreme Political Council in Sana’a due to its lack of constitutionality and legitimacy.
I was reading my statement in a hurry, with a turbulent tone of voice, and intermittent breaths racing against each other, and the trembling of my hand and fingers holding the paper from which I was reading my written statement, I felt that it was clearly visible, while another intense shiver was running from the bottom of my feet to my half.. I admit that I failed to control On it or even in its pronunciation despite my repeated attempts.. My condition was noticed by the representatives who were behind me, or close to where I was standing..
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Despite this and that, I am still proud that I was the only one among all those present who said it “no” to everyone, and with all strength, will and presence.. I was the only statement that opposed what was being legitimized in a council that did not respect itself, and did not respect the harsh oaths they made, released or They cut themselves off from the front of this board..
I was the owner of the most important, solid, and different position that did not obey, did not evade, did not suffer from weakness or fragility.. the blatant stance present in the parliament hall and strongly refusing to legitimize supremacy, or pass what I saw as a violation of the constitution, law and conscience, which is fully consistent with the truth of my voice and the dictates of my living conscience. In a moment that was very difficult and complex..
Despite my fear, I find myself crushing my hypocrisy every day.. I rebel against my fears and revolt.. I take risks and take risks for the sake of a conscience that tired me and tortured me and weighed me down. However, I never gave up on him, but rather lived through his struggles with opponents who own everything, while I am defenseless and have nothing but hope and a pen. A big dream is still far away and perhaps difficult to achieve..
The fear that struck me is not comparable to what they have experienced..and there is no comparison between what happened to me and what they did..Many politicians and representatives and during the life of this assembly, who put their hands firmly on the Qur’an, have sworn an oath by God Almighty before the witnesses, that they will preserve the constitution, law and order Republicanism, unity, sovereignty and independence, and then they violated it after a day or a year..
Most of them denied those oaths, and some of them even defecated on them, and some of them became corrupt and corrupted until they drowned in corruption to the lobes of the ears and the hair of the head, and some carried betrayals in their stomachs, and brought them up in their arms. They carried it on their backs, made money from it, and even subsisted on treachery, and they plotted against a people and a country until we afflicted it, and we do not know how many decades and years we need to restore its unity, its future and its great dreams.
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He follows..
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