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Suicide attempt!
Ahmed Seif Hashed
I tried to defy and go by force to the birth of al-Khidr, but my father tied me up and tied me to a wooden pole planted in the bottom of his shop.. He beat me hard.. Looking at me, and perhaps some of them stared at me with regret and pity, while some of them tried to woo and beg my father in vain, and without the ability to save me from what I am in.. “The son is the king of his father.”
After the time for going to the birthday party was over, my father left me tied up, and went to “Ras Sharar” to mow the crops during the harvest season, while my mother untied me, and hugged me like a lost son who returned to her after a break.. She showered me with her kindness and comforted me with words of pain and great sympathy.. I despaired of her and her helplessness with my father, then I went to fetch water from the well, while I was managing a fit of anger and alertness to take revenge on my father, even if it was by suicide..
After everyone left the house, I closed the door from the inside, and went up to my father’s room at the top of the house, and there I found my father’s weapon within reach… Three to start shooting.. one.. two, and before I shot the number three, I heard my mother’s cow bellow, as if it was the universe’s message to me to return what I intended!! Perhaps I felt that our cow wanted me to see a farewell that I also needed, and perhaps she wanted me to stop and go back to what I intended to do, and perhaps the survival instinct was stronger than me, but she is looking for a convincing excuse in front of myself..!!
I went to see her and give her one last farewell look, and the first time I saw her I felt that she was begging and begging that I wouldn’t..!! This is what I thought in a thought that crossed my anxious and troubled mind.. I felt that she is haunted by me and does not want me to distance or separation forever.. I kissed her forelock, wiped her back, and my palms caressed her neck until I hugged him warmly.. My behavior with her might rise to the actions of the Indians with Cows, as if they were a deity or a holy deity.
I felt her overwhelming love, and I reciprocated an overwhelming love for her.. I felt that she was reciprocating an intimacy I had never felt before.. I overcame my tears, but they were flowing warmly.. I saw her cursing me eagerly, as if she wanted to keep a souvenir.. I felt that she too was battling her tears..Our guarded cow. From the eye with a guard hanging on her neck as a buffer that repels the eye and envy.. I am also guarded by the seven vows of jinn and demons, but who guards me from the cruelty of my father?!!
I went to steal flour for her, pour water on it, and serve it to her as a last farewell soup.. I showered her with kisses that seemed to me to be the last farewell kisses.. As I was going away from her, I saw her staring at me.. I felt that she was begging and begging that I wouldn’t do that and that I wouldn’t leave.. I was explaining the intimacy The one between us, according to the moment I felt, or what goes with it.. It was a soliloquy and simulation that had depth in my soul, and overflowed with intense feelings and emotions that seemed to me real, without illusion or mirage..
I looked towards the mountain, the trees and the stone. I bid farewell to everyone.. The feeling of farewell to eternity is not the same as farewell.. Eternal farewell makes you see many details of things before leaving that you do not see in your normal or natural conditions.. I found myself bidding farewell to everything, including the details that do not occur to one mind. I am on a date with death and the fulfillment of the term.. I was looking at all the things on which my eyes fell as if I were seeing them for the first time.. the walls, wood, utensils, and my mother’s clothes..
I remembered my mother and my mother’s love.. my mother who sacrificed many things for me.. my mother who drank a thousand torments, and was patient for me and my brothers to bear what the mountains could not bear.. my mother lived a struggle that neither earth nor sky could bear.. I felt the cry of the sky over every misfortune that befalls her…
Perhaps in a moment I did not imagine that there was anything that would prevent me from committing suicide and going to hell, not even our good cow, but perhaps the survival instinct overcame me, and perhaps my mother’s love overpowered me, as there is no one who loved me more than my mother .. I remembered her and she repeated to me in the past Her saying: “If something bad happens to you, I will die in agony.”
I can’t imagine my mother seeing me commit suicide and bloodied me… I imagined that a scene like this would be shocking and tragic for the person I care about; A scene that I cannot imagine its heavy tragedy for my mother, who has endured so much for me… A scene that will not feel the extent of its catastrophe except for my mother, who will undoubtedly be afflicted by the event if she does not die at first sight..
With the difference, dense and close to altruism and presence, that depiction that I read after nearly fifty years in the last publication of Dr. Abdul Rahman Jamil Farea on his deathbed: “For the sake of loved ones, I sanctify life and hold on to it, O God.” Yes, they are “loved ones” the title that was I am present, in a way, about what happened to my decision to commit suicide, and to move to another decision.. Because of my mother and her love and my younger sisters, I refrained from foolishness so that life would triumph over death; There is nothing wrong with a protest that is lighter and less harmful and costly, which I will do now instead of committing suicide.. That was how the words blazed at that moment in my burning conscience, and going back to a decision was the least gamble and the least harm..
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Continued..
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