Adolescence

Yemeni mp

Ahmed Saif Hashed

Suppression intensifies and escalates. Deprivation erupts within me, igniting flames in my deepest recesses… Obsessed with my sexual void. Consumed all day. Obsessed in wakefulness and in sleep. Prohibition exerts its tyranny, leaving no room for love… Passion is forbidden and love is a sin. My society shatters my mind, probing what I conceal and what the treacherous eyes hide.

My society is plagued by the illusion of chastity, suffering from strabismus. It can spot a flea from afar while missing the size of a camel. The saying goes: “It sees a louse from the distance of China, but cannot see an elephant on its nose”. “It cannot see the beam in its eye, but sees the speck in its brother’s eye”. It neglects the major issues and pursues a nighttime lover. Preoccupied with a woman’s breath at the expense of a thousand concerns.

My society is obsessed with criminalization. Mentally impaired and hindered. Its afflictions are greater than itself… My society is ruled by dominance. Blood is very cheap, and with poverty, normalization prevails. Poverty is a norm in this world. Death is exceedingly lavish, and tribalism is a familiar fate. Disclosure is a crime and a sin. A legacy from the age of infanticide… A mother’s name is a disgrace among the youth. My society is governed by shame. My society is ruled by fire

Prohibition increases desire. My lust seeks pleasure. My fate is surrounded by constriction, confined and exhausted by trickery… My fire burns in my veins, and the horses of passion neigh within my blood. Lost in the initial bewilderment, I chase the wind’s breath, searching for a woman to extinguish the flames

Beneath my skin, a thousand watchers. Shame lurks in the breath of longing. It curbs the wildness of desire. The oppression that comes from the bygone era of infanticide desires to bury me in my exiled school in a barren desert, scorching with heat and grilling, with a question growing between my aching ribs, stinging me with a whip of fire: Where can I unload the burdens of lust!?

* * *

I circled the sanctuary several times. I circled to fall into it. I want to break the latch and pry open the red wax in a land burdened by prohibition, surrounded by the forbidden! My curiosity urges me to delve into the depths, to explore the farthest reaches. The homeland of the feminine is very deep. The voice of the woman calls to me: Today is insistent, do not hesitate, do not delay. Reach your desire, for tomorrow is in the unseen, and no one guarantees what lies ahead.

I yearn to voyage into the self, to unravel the mysteries of the depths, to uncover the map of femininity and the details of sexual experience. A nectar that summons desire, sweeter than honey and more delightful than the bitterness of paradise. Thus spoke the devil, inviting me to travel through the realm of pleasure and the exalted heavens of love. I ascend like light or a star without a beacon or ladder.

This is my first adventure, to discover myself and the other sex. I prayed the prayer of Al-Hallaj. I prayed the prayer of the spirit to seek guidance on what to do! I prayed for rain. I called for the downpour on the barren earth. I chose to cross the threshold of revelation to answer the questions of confusion. I wanted to know myself, to respond to questions that stir and roam. Questions that pervade my subconscious like lions in their cages. Questions that ignite in the depths of awareness, illuminating the mysteries of the soul and the corridors of darkness.

* * *

A voice called me from the beautiful one: You, come. Experience the first trial. Try it once… Journey into the body of a woman. Confess your secret. What do you do with a sheathed sword? You are not a keeper of relics. You are not a museum or an exhibition hall. Come, sharpen it in the face of the sun. Polish it and hone it in the fire. Blow into it until it expands and reddens.

 Drive it into living flesh. Go on, do it. You will feel for the first time that you are a living being, immersed in a joy that bursts forth. You will be overwhelmed by the sensation that you have never truly lived before. Do not leave the barren land without watering it with rain and light, and do not let the earth remain barren… For the earth belongs to those who revive it, and ask the one who brings the dead to life.

The devil said: O you, be gentle with your condition. Your life is passing in vain. Do not let your present wither in sorrow like a candle in a cold night. Do not allow the coming years to be fodder for the wind. So you do not weep for a past lost and youth wasted by the ignorant. Hold onto your present with your teeth and claws. Grasp it with both hands. Achieve a great feat, and conquer the realm of the feminine, so you do not regret and weep in the future for youth that has slipped away.

The beautiful one said: “You, there. unveil the closed secret. break the shackles of caution. rebel against the heavy illusion, and shatter the siege of isolation. break the locks of secrecy and the codes of silence. Desire is sweeter in times of repression, and freedom is more pleasurable after oppression; longing is more intense and wild in the age of the forbidden.”

The devil replied: “Caution is confinement and hypocrisy… Caution is a facade and a mask. Tear down your prison and remove the mask of deceit; see the world from a different perspective. Caution is a death sentence. It cannot reconcile with a spirit eager for freedom. Freedom is stifled by walls, and caution is a wall that kills us repeatedly each day. Caution is a betrayal of the soul. Nakedness reconciles with its own, while the worst ugliness is wearing a thousand masks.”

The beautiful one continued: “Do not cling to death, nor explode for paradise and the houris. Seize your present until you are intoxicated… Revive the earth and do not kill a soul, for God is merciful and forgiving. Rebel and explore the map of woman for the first time… You will discover that God, through the eyes of a woman, forgives, and in the pulse of the breast, you will hear all the beautiful names, and in the sanctuary of love, glorify in the kingdom of God. God is the Most Merciful, the Forgiving.”

* * *

Pleasure stirs within me. I wrestle with my fire. My state overwhelms me. The fire of desire stretches my yearning body. For the first time in my life, I see a woman undress. For the first time, I see the details of a woman intensify beneath my smoldering body. For the first time, I dive into the terrain of a woman who grants experience. The moans of a woman at the peak of her pleasure are a resurrection. They grant you ecstasy. They make you feel like the king of the universe.

The devil urged: “Shower her with longing, shower her with kisses and nostalgia to savor the pleasure. Discover all dimensions. Explore all worlds. Write your mark on the memory of the woman. On the doors of love and the balconies of light. Swim across the breasts until you are dizzy. Whisper the secret in the sanctuary of anguished love.

Kiss a neck fragrant with enchanting perfume; the neck elongates with kisses and becomes as tall as a palm tree. How wonderful it is to climb a palm tree to taste a neck that drips honey, with happiness filling the universe. A neck yearning for youth, unleash your passion in the fields, and carve the path of connection from the first strike.

Your ship is laden with the burdens of desire. Empty your vessel of its long-held weight. Do not restrain your nerves as she moans with pleasure. Break the locks of confession. The breaths of lovers intertwine with the whinnies of desire and anguished confession. Breasts tremble with fiery love and shivers release the reins of desire on God’s earth, and gardens delight. Rain pours, and satisfaction envelops you, with tranquility after fulfilling desire.

Beneath her, the kingdom was established, and my peaks fell from the heights of the abyss. I fell like a martyr, asking: “Will this woman marry me? I love you, oh you. I search for you to the point of bewilderment.” The woman’s mind flew away. Her astonishment was greater. She paused for a moment and then said: “You, there, are different from everyone else.”

I silently cursed the devil and sought him repeatedly, to begin anew, as he said: “Enjoy and give life its due. You have not killed. You have not corrupted. You do not oppress. You love and pray to God with the prayer of passionate love, and know that God’s forgiveness is greater than this universe.”

It was a nap filled with pleasure; I awoke from the depths of slumber, repenting and seeking forgiveness for that which was lifted from blame.

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